Here are some mushy, ooey gooey literature quotes that I love…

“When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.”
—Shakespeare

“We loved with a love that was more than love.”
—Edgar Allan Poe

“Whatever our souls are made out of, his and mine are the same…If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.”
—Emily Brontë

“Every lover is, in his heart, a madman, and, in his head, a minstrel.”
—Neil Gaiman

“The more you love someone, he came to think, the harder it is to tell them. It surprised him that strangers didn’t stop each other on the street to say I love you.”
—Jonathan Safran Foer

“And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy.”
—Plato

“Time is very slow for those who wait
Very fast for those who are scared
very long for those who lament
Very short for those who celebrate
But for those who love time is eternal”
—Shakespeare

I always go through these phases in which I start a project and never keep it up. Whether it’s distractions or simply not caring, I tend to drop such endeavors. I need to stop doing this. I was looking at my blog today, realizing that I haven’t updated since October, and it is now 2015, so I thought I would do something with my day, rather than waste away to nothingness. Not to sound dramatic, I’m just overtired and weary.
Perhaps, instead of rambling on and on about my lack of initiative, I should do something productive! How about we make a list of my accomplishments and life changes of 2014? I will attempt this in order, however, I cannot guarantee how this may play out…

January 2014
– I realized that potholes suck, and ruining your rim in the midst of a snowstorm is terrible. Tire donuts are not made for New England winters.

April 2014
– I met Moshe Kasher, after becoming thoroughly obsessed with him. (Comedian and writer)
– Began a secret handshake with my biffle that is still continuously changing and becoming a far too elaborate

May 2014
– Attended the American Craft Brew Fest in Boston 
– Picked up my artsy skills again, after slacking on doing so

July 2014
– Saw Lady Gaga for the second time, always amazing (Haters can keep hating)
– Found my calling, my life goal, to be a doula (Birthing those babies)
– Was hospitalized twice with pancreatitis, and abdominal pain… only to be misdiagnosed and have to yell at a doctor.
-Attended a Soundgarden/NIN concert, which blew my mind

August 2014
– The tag “#yoloswagforsatan” was trending on my Twitter feed
– My relationship officially ended 
– Friends of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby boy
– Fell into a depression and pushed myself out of it, leading to a new view on life (Adaptation)
– Developed a skill of getting pulled over in Nashua (4x at least)

September 2014
– Attended Clutch concert (Solo and awkward)
– Went to many, many local underground shows, and felt revived by my best friends
– Rekindled a lost friendship
– Attended my first Coheed and Cambria concert, and nearly died via the crowd
– Had a crazy identity theft situation 

October 2014
– A family friend passed away suddenly
– Saw a sick band from Italy called Dangerego
– Became the Travel Amygdala Social Media Manager
– Started producing TAP TV webisodes (Executive producer)
– Started guitar lessons!
– Got a promotion at work to “Team Captain”

November 2014
– Painted many paintings

December 2014
– Attended a Korn/Slipknot concert (ohhh the reminiscing)
– Travelled to NYC to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway
– Met Michael C Hall, then attempted to marry him (was not successful)
– My sister cancelled Christmas
– I turned 24
– Had an amazing new years eve

We are now in 2015, life is changing, I’m adapting and falling in love with the person I have evolved into. I have no inkling as to how this year may unfold, what experiences I may go through, and what adventures I might go on… but I will do all that I can to stop abandoning works in progress. I will keep my head up and stay positive when the waves of negativity crash upon me. I can endure. This grown-ass woman is gonna do big things, I assure you.

I have always found myself in need of a muse. Having friends that are creative has been the biggest influence I could ask for. I love to surround myself with people that are driven to make art in all fashions. Music, painting, graphics, writing, etc.
Being around people of like-minds helps me pursue my own needs of creation. To make something out of nothing, to put what is in my mind, into some type of physical aspect.
Luckily, I’ve been getting more involved in projects with friends. From filming with my best friend, to photography and recordings for musicians. Just yesterday, I was given the role of Social Media Manager for the band Travel Amygdala, I will be running their Instagram and Twitter pages. Promoting and supporting others in their endeavors as well as being able to feed my own desires has been a wonderful experience to push me further.
I recently had a vacation from work, and during that time, I made sure to do something artistic every day. Every damn day! I made paintings, edited photos, drew and taught myself new techniques. It really helped me feel fulfilled and proud of myself.
My biggest struggle when it comes down to it, tends to be pushing myself. I don’t have the drive that I used to. I don’t have a teacher or someone instructing exactly what I need to do. No one saying “Here’s your medium, here’s what you need to make, do it.” When I have instruction, it helps make the process easier. However when it comes to my own creativity, I don’t have the influences that I’m looking for, a muse, a goal, an overall knowledge of what I really want to do.
Sometimes it seems that my hands aren’t doing what my brain wants it to. It’s like there’s a blockade between my mind and my fingers. I don’t know if it’s necessarily the fact that I don’t have the knowledge or technique I’m looking for, or if it’s the fact that I have artists-block (like writers-block).
I just don’t feel inspired anymore.
I have so many pursuits I’m looking to start. Mainly with music. I crave the language that so many can communicate with. The feeling that others can experience through a simple tune. I did play flute for years, and have fiddled with various instruments, but it’s not like I have the know-how to uncover this need. I find myself jealous of my friends that are in bands, with how easily they learn and create these images within your mind through song. I wish they would let me in on their secret. That’s what it feels like.
I just want to be able to do. I want to do so much. I want to show others the ways I feel with my endeavors and art. I just don’t know how to.

So I’m left here, constantly surrounding myself with artists, hoping to feed off of their drive, to have influences as they do.

Hopefully I can find my way.

Through the years, I have accumulated many plans for my future that I have never held on to. Sure, I have passions, but I could never put a passion into a plan and thus into a career. To give some background on such endeavors, let’s begin…

Ever since I was a child, I have wanted to be a theatrical (rather than film) actress, but I soon realized how unrealistic that route would be to go down. You can’t rely on booking shows, its one in a million that you are going to be discovered, let alone put on Broadway. Not to mention, I have been denied every role I have auditioned for over the years. If I knew why, I would tell you. Though I love acting, I don’t think it’s possible to make it a career.

Another thought I had, was to be a veterinarian. However, I could never put down an animal, so that was clearly taken off the table.

Throughout my life, I have always been involved in art. I paint, draw, work with photography, and have recently gotten into filming. I truly love to create. Knowing that I can make something from nothing, it’s an amazing feeling to have. Sure, I think myself an amateur with these projects, since I have had zero training other than high school, which, might I add, was honors level (tooting my horn a bit), but I can learn. I have many reasons for not pursuing this as a profession as well. To start, I have the worst creative-block that I know of. My influences come in spurts, blasts even, but they never last. I have certain people in my life that are a muse in a sense, but I need to be able to actually DO on my own, and that has always been a toughie. Another reason, is because I don’t think I’m very good. Of course people in your life will support you, and applaud you in your efforts, but I’ve never been one to hold my works in high-regard. This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop creating though. Lastly, it’s a passion. I would never want to put pressure on a subject I hold dear to my heart. It would destroy what little drive I have in my creative process.

During high school, I discovered my love for sciences. It may have been the fact I had an amazing teacher whom designed our curriculums in the most unique ways. She taught us through song and art projects.  I had her for sophomore biology and senior anatomy. In bio, I was the strongest in my class, and she pushed and pushed me to go into a higher level class, honors or advanced placement for instance. At sixteen, I really didn’t want to move around my schedule, so I decided to just ace the academic level and move onto honors chemistry for the following year. Big mistake. Turns out, I ended up sleeping through most of it (literally). With that being said, I was unable to take honors or AP anatomy for my senior year. That was a bummer, but instead of dwelling, I prevailed. I took my regular class, then would spend my lunch and free periods student-teaching the honors anatomy classes for my grade. I graduated with a 109 average. I fell in love with the concept of the female anatomy, the idea that within a woman, one cell can develop into a person. I wouldn’t say it’s a miracle, by any means, as it is the way of nature, but I found it intriguing none the less.
With taking in the knowledge, and excelling with such, I came up with the idea of becoming a nurse. I wanted to heal people, deal with the physicality of humans. I was inspired to look into nursing within an OB/GYN clinic, to further pursue my interests as afore mentioned. While looking into this path, I realized how much money, schooling and time it would take to even begin a career with such, and it was disconcerting. One route I thought to perhaps go with, was midwifery, being hands on in the natural birthing process, however, that would take even more education and experience to go through with it. Now, it’s not that I don’t have the initiative to do the work involved, I just feel like I want something that wouldn’t take over a decade to start.

Thus leading me into my life goal, I am to be a doula. In definition, the word “doula” “Comes from the ancient Greek meaning “a woman who serves” and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period.” With becoming a doula, or birth coach, I can fulfill not only my need for educating others, but my drive to make a difference in others’ lives. I would be there for an experience that a mother would never forget. I would help the mother and her partner not only be confident in the process of pregnancy and birth, but also support them emotionally. Having such a connection in such a life-altering process, I couldn’t ask for more.
To become a doula, it is mostly experience-based. There are organizations that can give certifications, however they aren’t necessary. Even with doing so, it’s still based on personal experience. Between my love for the female anatomy, and the process of child-bearing, not to mention the fulfillment I would feel though this path, it’s the best decision I have made thus far. I’m very excited to begin.

I’m not quite sure where this post is going from here, as I seem to have rambled on aimlessly about my future. I guess I’m just happy to have found my purpose in life. I am here to bring life into the world, though peace, comfort and education. I will create emotional bonds, help women embrace their bodies and feel supported though this natural occurrence. I will still continue to paint, draw, and act as much as I can, as I wish to push myself in all aspects in my life. I just want to make a difference.

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake. – Henry David Thoreau

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. – Mark Twain

Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment. – Gandhi

There is no such thing as pain, just intense physical sensation – Fakir

In three words I can sum up everthing I’ve learned about life: It goes on. – Robert Frost

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear. – Ambrose Redmoon

Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.

A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities. – J.R.R. Tolkien

And as imagination bodies forth
The forms of things unknown, the poet’s pen
Turns them to shapes and gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name

My tongue will tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart concealing it will break.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. – Shakespeare

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. – Agatha Christie

It’s been and end to an era. I’m finally coming to terms with it all.

I spent seven years chasing an image, a fantasy, one that I had fought for, for all too long. So much love was held in those years, but it was overshadowed by resentment, anger and fear. One cannot blame the other for the downfall that was bound to happen. You simply cannot hold into something that doesn’t exist. For years there has been unease, and negativity. There was neglect. There was heartbreak without the break. There was a rotting, churning pain that you could not ignore. Day in and day out, misery.

I loved, until I could love no more, with all my heart. There was a light inside me was dimming and I was becoming less of a person.
I ached for resolve. I wanted the innocence of it all, but it was mutilated and scarred, no matter how rose-colored my glasses may have been; I couldn’t deny it.

It’s time now for me to grow on my own, it’s a time for change. It’s time for me to better myself. I have been held back, feeling small and fragile, when in fact I am anything but. I will not let anyone, or anything stand in my way, ever again.

I am a force to be reckoned with.

I am the storm.

I’ve realized I have a very particular view when it comes to friendships. I build my friendships on a foundation of comfort, tenderness, compassion, understanding, and trust.
Though any interaction you have with another person could be considered a “relationship” of sorts, I treat my friendships as relationships, where they can be emotional and know that I would never judge them, that I would only ever welcome them, as they are, with open arms.
I can come off as intense with being someone’s friend. I will text them multiple times, try to keep intellectual conversations going, and see them as much as I can. A friend should challenge you, push you, bring out the best you in you. The interaction should be beneficial, and balanced. I relish in the times where we can curl up in pajamas and watch some stupid movie, knowing that we are going to have a blast just spending time together.
I simply want to know that I’m cared for, as I am caring, to feel like I matter, as they do.
I put time, dedication and passion into my relationships with people, it’s not that I demand the same, but to feel like an option, rather than a priority really crushes my spirit. It’s belittling.
Somehow, I manage it all, all 3,000 expressions I go through, but it’s how I am, and I just hope I can be accepted and loved as such.

It’s been twenty three years since my creation.

But what exactly am I… Am I a girl? A woman? A sister? A daughter? A lover? A girlfriend? A best friend? A soulmate? An artist? A theorist? A thinker? A writer? A sinner?

What I am is, simple.

I enjoy the simplicities in life. A hug from a loved one, a joke that goes over well, the sound of my cat snoring, the tingly feeling you get from a familiar song, and of course, an amazing cup of tea.
(These are a few of my favorite things ♫)

All I have to say is, I’m not sure where my path heads, but I’d like to tell you all about it. We’re going on an adventure and it will be the most magnificently beautiful experience called life.