Today, I have to write.
I have to find a way to express myself and get out of my head, as pathetic and sad as this post might be, my apologies. In the course of the past few weeks, my life has done a one-eighty. I invested my time, effort and emotions in a person that turned around and denied me, what feels like, my happiness. They were only seeking their own, and I can’t blame them for that.
All I can think of is the years and years I have faced being the second choice. The scapegoat. The back-up plan. The ugly friend.
As long as I can remember, people have always flocked to me as their friend. I have welcomed people in my life, held them in high regard and been their rock in the hardest of times. I’ve been notorious for building “Relationships” with people, rather than being a mere friendly acquaintance. I thrive in being the first contact for emotional support. Knowing that they need and trust me is something I live for. But it’s always caused me pain in the end.
The fact is, every single person I have ever loved and cared about has left me in some fashion or another; from my father leaving at a young age, to my sister, my mother and every one of my closest friends. Not including lovers. Whether it’s been by choice or obligation, it’s a terrible trend that I can’t deny is part of who I am. As long as I can remember, the fact these significant people come into my life, recreate me in some way, and then rip themselves out has caused a severe separation anxiety, and I hate knowing it lies under my surface. My happy little façade.
People will always choose someone else over me, or blame me for their own distance. Though I give and give, and put anyone and everyone’s needs ahead of mine, I get the shit-end of the stick. It’s like, I’m here to put a smile on faces and then see them pass it along to someone else, rather than share in their joy with me. The hardest part is that I WANT to close myself off. I do not want to open my arms and my heart to people anymore, but I can’t stop it. I simply cannot deny wanting to comfort, console or please. It leaves me vulnerable and weak to be shoved aside.
The anxiety that I cope with is one that is almost haunting. A few days ago I had a nightmare (which is beyond rare) that I awoke from in mid-panic. In this dream, I had been at a sort of party, either in a hotel or an apartment complex with dozens of my friends. I was trying to integrate myself into the groups and they kept ignoring me. They looked at me with judgement, they didn’t return my conversation; they made me feel invisible. Everywhere I went in this dreamscape, these people that I considered my companions glanced at me and walked away. Save for one person. He acknowledged me, he really saw me. His eyes were bright, his hands around me, and he kissed me longer than he ever had before. He held me there with so much ferocity, it was like he didn’t want to let me go, but had to. He broke our kiss, smiled, got in a car and left. THAT was when I woke up. I woke up to the reality that he will never do that. He already got in that car, and let me go, as everyone does. What doesn’t make sense is why were all these people ignoring me? Why did they judge me and look at me with distaste and annoyance? All of those friends have been people I have comforted in the past, helped through their own struggles and tribulations. Why is it NOW that I’m dreaming of something so dark that can break me down? And why would my mind give me something so heart-wrenching to wake up from?
I can’t help how I feel, but I can stop where my mind wanders. I’ve learned to not dwell on the could-have-beens. I have learned to distract myself in times that I’m hurting. I surround myself with people that love me and want the best for my well-being.
I find the irony messed up that I said in a prior post “I am to be alone in this world, even if one day I am to be with someone again. At the end, I will only have me, and as bleak as it sounds, it’s grounding. It is a concept I’ve never been able to fully comprehend, though I am slowly coming to embrace it.” I was doing so well in my independence, and understanding how to be with myself. But now, it’s all been thrown down the drain. I built up a friendship into a place I was so joyously embracing, that I lost control. I lost my ability to be a solitary person. I silently put expectations on someone and was very disappointed in the results. I feel as though I helped this person mend, and take a step forward in their life, only to take a step away from me and towards someone that makes them happier than I could.
Though I SHOULD blame them, for causing me pain, and not choosing me, I blame myself. I should have known better than to open up again. I should have known that I would be tossed aside. It’s not like they didn’t warn me that they weren’t ready for what I was, but they didn’t push me away either. Not until it was too late, and I realized how much I was investing. I was giving myself to someone that wasn’t giving back. He’s still so special to me, and I know this isn’t something I can easily let go of. After seven years of unhappiness and unease with someone, I learned to be alone… But the one time I open myself up, I allow myself to feel something again… I come to see, I am not their choice, even if they were mine. I made a leap of faith into my own disappointment. I should have known better.